I wanna

I wanna be blown away
I wanna be swept off my feet
I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe
I wanna be lost in love
I wanna be your dream come true
I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you
Just call me beautiful, Call me beautiful
Call me beautiful, Call me b-e-a-utiful


Lyrics by Megan Nicole

Struggling with myself

I try not to do this for myself. I try to make it for my own true Audience whom today was specifically dedicated... but my pride was shot down and I'm trying to remain humble about the whole incident, but I need to rant for a little while. (please bear with me, or skip down to the end)

I didn't give up the last month of my life for you to tell me that you didn't like it.

let me back up a bit. For my church we have a luau to outreach to other people. As per tradition ,and pure enjoyment, the youth of the church put together a praise hula and praise signing. I started with hula, in fact my group of friends were the first ones to start this tradition however many years ago and I loved it. I loved the idea of expressing myself through dance and sign language. As the years went on my church added in praise signing, something a bit more masculine for the males. Recently praise signing became more co-ed and I wanted to try something new so I joined. At first there were very few girls but this year one of the signing groups was evenly split and I was thrilled. This would be my first year teaching my signing song the one I put together myself (previously an older teacher would put it together or we would borrow it from youtube) and I had worked all of last year on this song. I loved it. Maybe it wasn't the best or most exciting signing but it was still mine.

I spent the last month, giving up time for my friends and family to teach these... children... this song. And I'm not expecting roses and candy as thanks.. but a little gratitude? Or at least some tact would be nice when regarding my hard work.

Back to the incident. Moments before we line up to start the performance one of the kids says to me, "Next year can we do a better song? A funner one?" Pointedly stating that my song wasn't fun or good enough for them. Granted it WAS a bit more flow-y rather than strong, masculine and powerful, but come on it was put-together by a female. It's not going to be super masculine. I'm sorry but really, everything is only as fun as YOU make it. So.. you don't like it? You don't think it's fun? DEAL WITH IT. You could've made it fun if you had wanted to, but no you didn't. You'd rather just complain and think it's my problem to fix. Well guess what? it's not. So good luck next year when I don't help out.

*end of major rant*

I didn't expect to be congratulated or fawned over, but I felt slighted. The kids I was handed to work with were the ones who weren't in the "serious" boy's group. Thus, the leftovers. I don't know if THEY knew that but I certainly did. I knew that I was being given the younger ones, the ones who had just joined the youth group, the ones who only joined because their parents wanted them to or because their friends did. I don't WANT those types of kids. I wanted them to do the signing because either they wanted to do it, or they felt a calling from God for it. Not because of the "tradition." You know how they put the best for last, and a good act to start the show? Well we were in the middle. The other performances were far better than ours, and the other signing... amazing. Their performers were acknowledged, ours was not. I realize that because we were "first" out of the older kids the announcements were a belated thought, however it doesn't stop the hurt.

All in all I was trying so hard to not take it personally, but the comment right before we began our performance just killed me a little.

But I'm done. I'm done focusing on ME and my needs in this, and am getting over myself... slowly.

Shayne

My Associate Pastor at High Street Community Church would like to pass on this youtube video in the hopes that people would listen and spread the word of God. I would like to help him in this endeavor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnHNbfcxg1k&feature=watch_response

please listen if you get a chance!

No Turning Back

The last month or so, basically all of Spring Quarter has been full of choices and decisions. At Spring Break Camp I swore to not turn back from those promises I made to Jesus. And once school started again, my ideals, my walls everything that I had built up came tumbling down.

I encountered a dilemma with an old friend of mine. We're both having similar issues with people we may or may not actually like. Therein lies the problem. Because we both have different ideas of what the other should be doing we cannot help each other. What's a person to do?

My ideals of a relationship are not synonymous with his, yet he is trying to help with my problem. He's a sweetheart, truly he is. And though our ideas are different he tries to be accommodating toward my, prude-ish view of being in a relationship.

However, some of his suggestions go far beyond anything I ever imagined, and I'm confused as to what is right in a relationship and what is not. Where is the line drawn? Why is everything so blurry?

How do I know what I'm doing is right or wrong? And how do I know who to let in to really see how messed up my thoughts are?