Meant to Part

So I wrote this last week, I dunno I just felt compelled to I guess? Life has been pretty crappy lately I've just been feeling down. I'm trying to be more optimistic but I don't know.. I feel like I need a long vacation where time just stops and I can get all the sh*t in my life figured out

So you think you understand me?
Well guess what? You're wrong.
You don't know what's inside my head
Or when my heart is hurting
You don't know when lay awake at night
or cry for hours on end.
Don't pretend to know
To love
To care
Or to sympathize with me
I'm so tired of your fake smiles.
Your see-through lies
And your cold embraces.
You can't fool me.
Nevertheless I can understand YOU
I don't know what's in your head,
Yet I can see your heart hurting.
I can feel when you cry yourself to sleep
Or when you lay awake with your thoughts
I do know you
I care about you
And I love you
So much that it hurts,
But your fake smiles kill me
Your see through lies cause despair
And your cold embrace leave me bitter.
What happened to what we had?
Warmth...
Friendship...
Love...
Did it die with your heart?
Or were we simple meant to part...?

Moron

I'm such an idiot

Seriously?

Really?

Why did I do that?

Why didn't I stop myself?

What... the... Hell....?!

I'm so stupid.... I should NOT have gone downtown.. I should have stayed in the dorms then at least I wouldn't have this guilty conscience telling me that I may have perpetuated my friend's sickness. Not just the conscience just...feeling bad all-together. I mean I totally knew she was sick, but nooo I had to be brilliant and take her off-campus...I'll never forgive myself if something happens....NEVER.

Offended

What happened to being open minded?

What happened to being nice?

What happened to respect?

I guess it all went up in smoke and died.

Yesterday, I was insulted in an awful roundabout way. I was told by a friend, who at a meeting with our IV staff member was talking about me. Not in a stabbed in the back sort of talking, but more like, a check in kind of talk. Nevertheless, I was still offended greatly. When asked how I was doing the response was "fine, but stressed out" presumably by school, my major and other such things. The former's response to that was to inquire my major. "literature" which is indeed quite true. I am majoring in literature, it was what was said next that grated on my nerves. "What? that is not a major to be stressed about." (the next phrase is paraphrased to keep names away) "now if it were a science major, THEN you could say you were stressed."

Excuse me? Who made you king of everything that stresses people out? What made you think you understand what I go through, what I find stressful, and what I do? Who are you to decide what should cause tension in MY life.

I think you have no right to declare so boldly what should or should not be stressful. What I find stressful may be a walk in the park for you, well ducky for you! I am not you, I will NEVER be you... I will always be me and me alone.

My initial response that I kept beneath my tongue and locked inside my head, from most except for right now was "well if you want me to not be stressed, then I'll just quit the group that I am a part of" because honestly that takes up most of my time and causes me the most stress. SO if I'm to be stress free I should ditch that first.

What do you think of that?

I realize the one who needs to possibly read this never will, which is alright. This is just to get it off my chest.

Slightly Stupid

Really? I'm a bit of an idiot.

So... brain fart moment!! and well.. just entirely a STUPID action...

I met this guy at Kairos, IV's large group meeting last Thursday, and he just introduced himself to me as a freshman and I talked to him 'cause I was friends with the people he came with. On Sunday for the church tour I meet up with him and a group of people again, and he re-introduces himself to me, while putting his arm around my shoulders. Kinda awkward but nor really..Throughout that day I was given the impression that he might like me, but he was fairly flirty with all the girls so I didn't give it a second thought *at least I didn't try to* Today I see him again, and he walks over to "say" hi while the worship team is playing, then after the talk and last few songs he comes over and tries to weave our fingers together, when i avoid that he pulls me into a hug. After talking for a bit, we went off and did our own mingling.. right before a large group of them went to late night for food, he came up and asked for my number. Thinking I could just give him my dorm number I said "sure." WITHOUT thinking I gave him my cell.... brilliant right? This guy I've only met three times now has my number.. I am so dead... why would I do something like that?! AGH!

So what do I do now? keep my phone off? I dunno I guess I'll figure it out.