More Tiredness

I just want to be left alone. I'm doing it one way. It's not the way you wanted it to be, well sorry. I can't do everything the way YOU want it!

You showed me one way, I'm learning another... I'm not disregarding either, but I need to focus on the one that is helping me progress further now... not later. Do you understand? No, I don't know.

I'm just so tired of everything, of the anger, of the complaints of everything.

Wicked

I just saw the musical WICKED! and need I say it is absolutely FANTASTIC. I would recommend this to everyone and anyone who loves to see performances on stage, singing, and or wants to know a potential back story to the wicked witch of the west!!!

This is my first musical to see performed live and on stage at the SF Orpheum Theatre and I was blessed to go with some very close friends of mine for a discounted price :D

Go see it now before they leave in September!!

summer begins

Summer is here!

I've been job searching but nothing's really coming up. So for now I'm babysitting around my neighborhood and working at my uncle's again :) Yay for income! I can't wait to see my friends next week!!!

I caught up with some old friends on tuesday and wednesday. That was pretty awesome! I hope everyone out there is having an awesome summer, either relaxing or making money :P or Both! hahha

Poetry Contest

I just wanted to write that I entered into a poetry contest this past quarter at UCSC and I won (my college's division)!!!!!!!

I'm SO excited that I can't stop smiling! I haven't felt this good about myself in a long long time~!! H'ray for creative writing!!!

Whispers in the Dark,

I feel so alone.. so helpless and so confused. I don't know what to do anymore. I had such a clear mind last week, and this week I feel all muddled inside and lost.

I can't seem to pray earnestly anymore.. I just want to take a temporary break from life for awhile.

While I was contemplating these thoughts this song came on my iTunes. I feel like this could be God singing to me. He's telling me that I'll never be alone.. even though I feel like it right now. Right? I'll never be alone...these are just lies I'm telling myself about being lonely. God, I want Your love, and I want to badly.

"Whispers In The Dark"

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is
Just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is
A burning, consuming fire

[Chorus:]
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear my whispers in the dark

You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay here broken and naked
My love is
Just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is
A burning, consuming fire

Sabbath

Since i've been feeling stressed lately my roommate has convinced me to take a Sabbath with her. I'll be resting myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. At least that is the hope :)

First week of school [X]
First weekend [ ]

Let's see how I survive shall we?

Alright God! Here I am.

Please:

"take me as you find me/ all my fears and failures" and "fill my life again"

Mark Camp

Mark camp was amazing.. I can't even begin to describe everything that went down this past week.

I can try to sum up the week though.

Ride to Sugar Pine = FUN! Singing Lady GaGa, Disney, Backstreet Boys in the car? how can it be more awesome than that! And we made good time too! We met up with people in Oakhurst and ate dinner. (AND I got an X-Wing toy at McDonalds earlier)

Mark II was hard... it was like bricks being dropped onto my head, Thanks God for letting me know a BUNCH of things all at once!! But it was a good thing too. I learned a lot about myself and I learned that I DON'T know a lot about myself too.. haha oh well That's what prayer is for!

There were so many things to apply I didn't know where to start.. that's why I've decided to try to "cut off" parts of my life that are filled with distractions. Such as facebook just to see how my spiritual walk changes and hopefully improves.

Other than that I want to be able to serve people more. In any way that I can without putting my own sanity at risk like I've done in past quarters haha

Free Time: yay sports!! and napping!! hahaha and of course talking to friends ^_^

That's all for now!

I've already realized how much more free time I have now that I've cut out facebook hahahah but then again I've also noticed that I fill it with playing cards online and reading books.. well i'm off the compy for part of the day at least~ hahaha

Talent Show: AMAZING!! So many talents in IV!! My friends and I did performed Sea of Faces with ASL :D AND we did a bunch of aikido techniques, that was awesome! I was actually terrified to be rolling around and doing falls on the rather hard carpet.. but yeah! I'm kinda proud of myself that I did. Thank you God for that brief moment of bravery or insanity! :)

Long week

Ever have one of those weeks that feels like it'd never end? This week definitely felt like that.

When was the last time I felt SO tired, SO upset, SO confused, SO stressed out, SO sad, SO hurt, but at the same time SO ... happy? No, that isn't the right word. Content? That's another dangerous word.. but closer. I don't even know how to begin describing how I've been feeling.

Why won't you say anything? Are you scared? Will I get hurt? I think I'd rather be hurt then to never know anything at all. Is something bothering you? Am I bothering you. Am I doing something that will hurt your pride? Your... sense of being? Am I threatening? Am I a hindrance?

Why did you have to do this? Why couldn't life just go on... as it had been? I don't understand. I don't know what to think. I almost wish I didn't know anything.

what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? Should I even care? I'm almost at my limit...

my life

FML.

Why?

Stupid.

Loser.

Check off another thing that I've just killed and buried. and probably burned bridges for too.

Moving on... New life? doubt it. New hope? nope. New .... maybe? we'll see....

Me

I'm just trying to figure me out.

My Feelings

My Thoughts

My Desires

My Faults

So far all I got is I don't like who "me" is. I don't like my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, but most of all I hate my faults.

I wish to erase them all at times... like now. I thought that I was doing better, but oh thoughts of my head you had a different idea didn't you? You were just lying low until I was comfortable and happy to reappear once more. It seemed that took the weekend off only to come back now. Thanks.. I really appreciate it.. NOT.

V-Day Blues

how pathetic..


I'm lonely on Valentine's Day no less.. I don't know why I'm with my family.. I've got my computer.. no homework.. what the heck? Shouldn't I be happy?

No, I feel like crying...This just sucks...

The End

not needed
don't care
not here
not there

why me
why now
why this
...how?

someone else
caught you
someone else?
...that true?

So long
I've left
it's there
a theft

care not
you don't
I know
I won't

A lie
you know?
course not
buried snow.

no more
I'm done
No more
no sun.

stop now
no bend
this is
The End.